If I Have You
by Jerseycaramel
Summary: Just after 5x01 so Spoilers for that. One-shot, Densi. Kensi wants nothing more than to help Deeks in any way she can, but that might mean giving him up. 'I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Not sure I can be a cop,' he whispers after an eternity.


A/N: Holy crap, last weeks episode people! Kind of love Eric Christian Olsen just a little more, because dear, God, he almost had me in tears! And I swear Callen and Sam have a bad timing radar on them or something!

OK, so I'm going to be fairly annoyed if they don't address the whole "you're my everything" thing with the Densi for four months (I'm assuming that's where the next ep takes off from - I don't read the summaries anymore, I get too anxious and giddy and waaaaaaay too distracted) so this is my take on drinks and after.

I'm a bit worried about posting this, I don't usually write in the present tense, but that's how this came out, so it feels a bit off for me.

This was supposed to be out yesterday (well, two days ago now seeing it's 3am and I have to be at work in 5 hours! damnit! ) but my birthday and kind of got in the way of that...

For Lily readers, this week I promise, but this is another one-shot that wouldn't leave me alone!

Let me know what you guys think.

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Sidorov, the kiss, torture: Kensi's world has been turned upside down in less than 24 hours, and she's not dealing with it well. She's not sure how to react, to help, to do _anything_ anymore, because what she wants more than anything else in the entire world right now, is to help her partner in any way she can.

Drinks is tense, and she wants nothing more than to take her partners hand as it sat on his knee, rhythmically clenching every so often and lace her fingers through his to make him relax. But she can't, because they're not alone. Stupid Sam and Callen coming into the bullpen just as she was about to tell him-

She wasn't even paying attention to the conversation anymore, just watching her partner from the corner of her eye, trying to gage _anything_, but she's never seen him like this before, physically here, but mentally somewhere far away. He's always engaged in conversations, picking up every detail on offer, but now, his eyes are glazed over and he's frowning slightly. Kensi sits not three inches from Deeks, but it feels like there was an ocean between them, and she hates it.

Sam's a lot more open with her partner now, she notices, more forthcoming and a hell of a lot more accepting of Deeks than he'd been in the past. The ex-SEAL must have realised that Deeks was a hell of a lot tougher than previously thought, never giving up Michelle regardless of what they did to him, and Kensi had seen how terrified he was. It had ripped in two her when she had seen him strapped to the chair, blood oozing out of his mouth. Her own blood had turned ice cold when she saw him, thinking he was dead. It broke her again when she saw the terror in his eyes, and she couldn't set him free.

She snaps back to reality as the soft laughter comes from her right - Callen made him laugh, but it wasn't the same. Deeks' laugher didn't have the same jovial ring to it, not as effortless as she was used to. It didn't have the same lightness to it and the blue in his eyes didn't sparkle in happiness at something silly. Kensi's studied her partner enough to know the difference, but the elder pair buy it. They can't see just how much this has affected him, and the amount scares her.

Sam gets up to buy the next round of drinks, Callen following behind saying something about not trusting his nervous system from all the electricity that had been pumped through his body. Sam just laughs it off because he can, because that's _them, _and Kensi almost wishes she could joke about the whole ordeal with Deeks. It hurts her too much to try and make light of it. She may have not gone through it herself, but she's in pain because he is.

She appreciates what the guys are trying to do - Callen trying to get him to laugh and see that life goes on, and Sam trying to apologise for years of doubt. On some level, Deeks appreciates it, but Kensi also knows his appearance is to appease them – and maybe keep sleep away just that little bit longer.

They finally call it a night when Michelle calls her husband, "Get yours and your partners' butts outside, now." This brings a truer chuckle out of her partner as he hears the woman he protected scold the tough ex-SEAL. The boys say goodbye with a handshake – Sam lingering just a little more than usual – with comforting and empathetic smiles before leaving the bar.

And then, it's just the two of them. He tries to take a cab home, but she refuses to let him, not because she needs to take care of him, but for her own sanity, Kensi just needs to be with him as long as she can before her own nightmares of his alternative fate find her in sleep.

They drive in silence, the soft drone of music on the radio as she was on auto pilot taking him home.  
'Will you call me if you need anything?' she asks – begs, more like – when she pulls up in front if his apartment building.

He hesitates, hand on the door, but doesn't get out. 'Kens,' he says softly, painfully; something biting at his tongue, but he's second guessing himself. He sat back in the seat with his head lowered, not looking at her like he was ashamed.

'Deeks, please, what do you need?' she asks a little more desperately, willing do to anything for him.

He sighs shakily, raising his head and a tear drops down his face. 'I just need-' he stops himself short, biting his lip before starting again. 'Stay with me tonight,' he pleads, his blue eyes finding hers full of unshed tears.

His voice shatters her into infinite pieces. It wasn't like she was used to, nothing about him was anymore, and she knows it's to be expected. '_You got me through it._' What he said back at OSP echoes in her mind. She was entirely willing to give him whatever he needed, and he needed _her_.  
Kensi takes his hand, lacing her fingers with his, squeezing it reassuringly.

'Anything for you,' she tells him with as much earnest as she could muster.

She lets him lead her by the hand to his apartment, holding onto her like a lifeline. Monty bolts to the door to greet them and Deeks jumps slightly, before petting him without a word.

'I'm going to take Monty out for a walk,' she tells him. Kensi could see the dog was desperate to get outside. She takes his hand when he panics. 'I will be back in three minutes.' She's back in two, wishing she hadn't left him in the first place.

When she comes back, Deeks seems out of place in his own home; nervous and tense. He sat on the couch, slumped in the cushions with a far off look in his eyes again: He was there, but he wasn't. This entire disposition of her partner is completely alien to her. The reality is: he may never be the same again, never be the man he was before, and while that worries her to no end, Kensi's never letting go of him.

Monty sits his head on Deeks knee, and it snaps him out of his trance for a moment before he glances up quickly to find Kensi. His eyes are tired and in pain, and she gently pulls him off the couch, walking them to his room. He's hesitant as he looks towards his bed, and it had nothing to do with awkwardness of sleeping in the same bed, but more of dreaming. He was scared of reliving it all again.

They stand in his bedroom for what felt like a forever before Kensi practically strips him to his boxers, and throws an old shirt over his head. He goes with it, helping her by moving limbs when needed. She knows there's still a part of him in there that hasn't changed, blushing when she reached for his belt and jeans.

When her hands come to her own shirt, he turns around and waits as she removes her own clothes, switching them with his before settling them both under the covers.

Their legs touch because she needs to keep them connected, and for some reason, it's not as personal as reaching out and taking his hand, it's more comfortable for her. His blue eyes haven't waved since they got into bed, staring into hers as he continues to fight off sleep.

Kensi snuggles closer to him in an attempt to persuade him to shut his eyes. 'You have to sleep, Deeks,' she tells him softly.

'I know. I don't want to go through it again.'

She gulps as the terror returns. This time Kensi reaches out a hand, smoothing it through his hair and tracing his scruffy cheek so very carefully. 'I'm right here,' she splays her palm across his chest, feeling the heart beating steadily under her touch for her own reassurance. 'I'm not going anywhere. I'll be right here when you wake up.'

Deeks nods, trusting her and finally closing his eyes, but not before twining his fingers through hers as they rested on his chest. She doesn't stop him, and watches him drift off and get some rest for as long as she can before she too is sucked into sleep.

She's in the middle of her own hellish dream when Deeks woke her up. She heard his moans before she felt his limbs lashing out. He twitches and groans, pants and sweats as the nightmare takes over him.

'Deeks,' Kensi calls, careful not to touch him. 'Deeks, it's a nightmare. Come on, Marty, come back to me.' His scared groan forces her to touch him and it breaks the spell, jolting him awake. The reality came back to his eyes before he sits up, resting his head on his bent knees, panting. She follows him like they were joined by an invisible rope, wrapping her arm around his shoulder and resting her head on his arm. He tries to shake her off, but she sticks to him, and he gives in.

'I'm not sure I can do this anymore. Not sure I can be a cop,' he whispers after an eternity, broken.  
The thought of not having him as a partner was not a welcome one, but if he couldn't do it, or didn't want to anymore, she was OK with it.

'That's something you need to figure out yourself, and no one is asking you to do it tonight,' she replies softly.

'I'm not the same person as before. I'm broken. Not sure I can take it,' his voice breaks and he tries to move away from her again. Her breath hitches as he admits it aloud, she clings to him more, decidedly wrapping her arm around his, anchoring him to her and Kensi decides it's now or never.

'When I saw you in that chair, Deeks, bloodied and limp, I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life,' She pulls at him gently, angling his head from his knees to look in her eyes. His cheeks are wet and she doesn't really notice. 'I wanted nothing more than to untie you, and get you the hell out of there-'

'You had a job to do,' Deeks interrupts painfully. He understands, Kensi knows that, but it doesn't make her feel any better.

'In that moment, I didn't care about the job, who was involved, who could have been hurt; I didn't care about Sam or Michelle, I just saw you and I wanted to get you out of there more than anything.'

Deeks looks at her properly, now, realisation of what she's trying to say seeping through.

'Kens-'

'If you decide you can't do the job, or don't want to, that's OK because I can live without you being my partner.'

He frowns at her confused. 'I can,' she tells him resolutely. 'It will be boring and it won't be the same, but I can live with not being your partner. But don't leave _me_. Don't pack up and leave LA, or hide yourself away and not speak to anyone, or close yourself off, because _I_ can't live without _you_, Deeks. I need you in my life.'

Tears roll down his cheeks as he closes his eyes in relief. 'You kissed me, Deeks, and I did nothing. I'm not sure I would have survived if you didn't make it, because I never got to tell you anything.'

'I'm not going anywhere now,' he fires back, and there was just that little spark of his old self laced in his voice, not weighed down or defeated.

She smiles at the curl of his lips; he's looking at her eagerly now. He's already laid his cards on the table earlier tonight in OSP, now he wants to see hers.

'I've known for a while now, I just didn't want to accept it, because you annoy me, _so freaking much_,' she says, running her fingers through his hair. 'The possible reality of my world without you is unacceptable, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.' He grabs her hand and tangles their fingers together, and it's ironic that he's the one giving her strength for this. She can feel the tears burning at the back of her eyes, because she has him back; he's here with her, waiting patiently for words they both need to hear, and he might hold it over her head later, that he's captured Bad-Ass Blye's heart and she could care less. 'So, for what it's worth, I love you.'

He beams at her, and her heart melts because it's _him_, _her Deeks_ grinning at her, 'We still have to work on your communication skills if I have to get tortured for you to tell me you love me.'

She rolls her eyes and lets out a strangled laugh – because _now_ he can joke about it – and finally gets what she's wanted to do for the longest time. She probably kisses him too hard, from the pent up stress of almost losing him and the frustration of _waiting too long for this_, but he doesn't complain.

'I love you, too,' he whispers against her lips, kissing her gently again, before pulling back and resting his head against hers. 'I think – I think if I have you, I can make it through this.'

'Then you'll get through this,' she promises, laying them back down on the pillow, curling up into each other, and neither dreams anything for the rest of the night.

They had more things that needed to be said, more things to work out, but they'd get through it together.

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A/N: Reviews equal late birthday presents...? and they give me a happy :)


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